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The Two-Minute Haggadah

Because there is a full moon out tonight, it's time for......

A Freilach & Zisen Pesach

In case you want to 'read ahead' for Pesach ....


  The Two-Minute Haggadah

  A Passover service for the impatient.
  By Michael Rubiner

  Opening prayers:
  Thanks, G-d, for creating wine. (Drink wine.)
  Thanks for creating produce. (Eat parsley.)

  Overview:
  Once we were slaves in Egypt.  Now we're free.  That's why we're
  doing this.

  Four questions:
  1. What's up with the matzoh?
  2. What's the deal with horseradish?
  3. What's with the dipping of the herbs?
  4. What's this whole slouching at the table business?

  Answers:
  1. When we left Egypt, we were in a hurry. There was no time for
      making decent bread.
  2. Life was bitter, like horseradish.
  3. It's called symbolism.
  4. Free people get to slouch.

  A funny story:
  Once, these five rabbis talked all night, then it was
  morning. (Heat soup now.)

  The four kinds of children and how to deal with them:
  Wise child-explain Passover.
  Simple child-explain Passover slowly.
  Silent child-explain Passover loudly.
  Wicked child-browbeat in front of the relatives.

  Speaking of children:
  We hid some matzoh. Whoever finds it gets five bucks.

  The story of Passover:
  It's a long time ago. We're slaves in Egypt.  Pharaoh is a
  nightmare.  We cry out for help.  G-d brings plagues upon the
  Egyptians.   We escape, bake some matzoh.   G-d parts the Red
  Sea.   We make it through; the Egyptians aren't so lucky.
  We wander 40 years in the desert, eat manna, get the Torah,
  wind up in Israel, get a new temple, enjoy several
  years without being persecuted again. (Let brisket cool now.)

  The 10 Plagues:
  Blood, Frogs, Lice-you name it.

  The singing of "Dayenu":
  If G-d had gotten us out of Egypt and not punished our enemies,
  it would've been enough.

  If he'd punished our enemies and not parted the Red Sea, if
  would've been enough.

  If he'd parted the Red Sea-(Remove gefilte fish from
  refrigerator now.)

  Eat matzoh.  Drink more wine.  Slouch.

  Thanks again, G-d, for everything.

  SERVE MEAL!

Comments

( 8 comments — Leave a comment )
starjourneying
Apr. 8th, 2009 10:15 pm (UTC)
LOL--happy passover!
girlspell
Apr. 9th, 2009 02:35 pm (UTC)
:) Thank you. The Sedar was very nice.
kaolinfire
Apr. 9th, 2009 03:12 am (UTC)
hilarious :)
girlspell
Apr. 9th, 2009 02:36 pm (UTC)
Isn't it though? I do love it. From the time I was a little kid....
paladin_4hpu
Apr. 9th, 2009 09:17 am (UTC)
Ya know... it's been so long since I attended a Seder that I forgot some of the finer points of the celebration. I never knew about the 'slouching' part. Oi ve!

I always get such a kick out of comedic skits where people of a particular faith poke fun at their own religion's Traditions. (*Wow, now Fiddler on a Roof is coming back to me) Me being Catholic, you can imagine how much fun we make of our own "kneeling-n-standing" ritual at services.

How have things been down in MD lately? Any goods news to share? I know the Terps didn't go too deep into the Final 4 but, hopefully Spring is distracting everyone.

I hope that your Passover is quiet and restful, Rachel. =)

~Sean
girlspell
Apr. 9th, 2009 02:38 pm (UTC)
It was pretty good. Thank you.

Slouching on pillows is symbolic of a better life (then what we had) Building all those pyramids got to be a drag. I never did though. My dad did. :)
mhersheybar
Apr. 9th, 2009 08:43 pm (UTC)
LOL - I always wondered where my dad got his notes for the Seder! I hope you're having a good Pesach.
girlspell
Apr. 11th, 2009 02:44 am (UTC)
Im enjoying myself. Forced sparation from bread is both good and bad. Good because you get skinny, bad because matzoh is no substitute.
( 8 comments — Leave a comment )